Life without danger is a waste of oxygen.
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won!
Life in a vacuum sucks
You'll get what's coming to you ... Unless mailed
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You're only young once; you can be immature for ever.
"Suicide Hotline...please hold."
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
Don't confuse me with facts, my mind's already made up.
Don't talk unless you can improve the silence.
Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.
I'm a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
Girl laid in tomb may soon become mummy.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Frogs have it easy. They can eat what bugs them.
Where there's smoke, you'll find my wife cooking dinner.
Join the army! Travel the world, Meet interesting people, and kill them.
Me, Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
KENTUCKY: Five million people, Fifteen last names.
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
Life is Uncertain... Eat dessert first!
When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country.
Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster!
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Looking for a helping hand? There's one on your arm.
My mind works like lightning... one brilliant flash and it's gone.
Sometimes you're the bug, and sometimes you're the windshield.
Next time you wave at me, use more than one finger, please!
I would like to help you out. Which way did you come in?

I'm not paranoid! Which of my enemies told you this?
Drunk!...naught me - I'm Serfectly Pober Occifer!
I know Karate, Kung Fu, and 47 other dangerous words.
I always lie. In fact, I'm lying to you right now!
Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!
Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.
Don't play stupid with me - I'm better at it!
Dime: a dollar with all the taxes taken out.
Diets are for those who are thick and tired of it!
Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing.
My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him.
If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.
If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
Don't worry about temptation--as you grow older, it starts avoiding you.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings.
Support bacteria, it's the only culture some people have.
Death is life's way of telling you - you're fired.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free.
Who puts those "Thin Ice" signs out there.
Where there's a will, there's an attorney.
When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing
Save Water. Take a bath with your neighbor's wife!
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Don't take life so seriously... It's not permanent!
Eat american lamb...ten million coyotes can't be wrong!
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right!
Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma.
Penalty for bigamy: Two mothers-in-law. OUCH!
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
If you think talk is cheap, try hiring a lawyer.
Did you hear about the cannibal who loved children? He just adored the platter of little feet..
Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back!
This sentence contradicts itself: no, wait, actually it doesn't.
You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It keeps me from streaking!
In the immortal words of an art history major: Do ya want fries with that?
Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Of course I'm in shape. Isn't Round a shape?
Elevators smell different to midgets.
"F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!"
"Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.".
"The decision is maybe and that's final!"
"Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else.".
"If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"
The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing.
For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met..
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
FACT: No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program..
Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due..
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity..
The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She changes it more often.
ERROR 406: file corrupt: config.earth -- reboot universe? (Y/N)
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?.
It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
Who were the beta-testers for Preparations A through G?
I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!
When man discovered milk came from cows, what did he THINK he was doing?
Definition of gun control: use both hands.
If crimefighters fight crime, and firefighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?.
Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves. After marriage, the 'Y' becomes silent.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Four-wheel-drive just means getting stuck in more inaccessible places.
Free advice costs nothing until you act upon it.
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Frustration is not having anyone to blame but yourself.
Any issue worth debating is worth avoiding altogether.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Anyone can admit they were wrong; the true test is admitting it to someone else.
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
I’m the sap in my family tree
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her belly button made an echo."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had her own postal code."
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat she had a dress with a sign on the back saying...Caution Wide Load."
"My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker"
"One day I ran into my girlfriend with my car. She asked me why I didn't ride around her. I told her that I didn't think I had enough gas"
"I had a girlfriend that was so fat her bikini was made out of two bed sheets."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... her mother ripped in two when she had her."
Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line.
Say no, then negotiate.
Security depends not so much upon how much you have as upon how much you can do without.
The first time is for love, the next time is $200.
The hardest thing in life to learn is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
The hardness of the butter is in inverse proportion to the softness of the bread.
The hidden flaw never remains hidden.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.
If you stand in one place long enough, you make a line.
If you step out of a short line for a second, it becomes a long line.
If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it.
If you throw something away, you will need it the next day.
If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.
If you want to be well liked, never lie about yourself, and be careful when telling the truth about others.
If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Marriage: waste of a perfectly good sex life.
Hardwork pays off later, laziness pays off now.
Indifference is the only sure defense.
Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies.
Information travels more surely to those with a lesser need to know.
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out.
Inside every small problem is a larger problem struggling to get out.
Instead of calling in sick, call in well. Tell them how great you feel not having to go to work today.
It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's not hard to meet expenses; they are everywhere.
Junk mail arrives the day it was sent.
Just about the time when your income gets to the point where food prices don't matter, calories do.
Marry not a tennis player. For love means nothing to them.
May you be too good for the world and not good enough for your wife.